On November 3rd, 2004 I woke up and sat upright in bed.  I was aware that it was the morning after the Presidential Election and the fate of our country had been determined the night before.  Not having watched it on t.v. I didn't know who won, but found myself saying out loud, "Oh my God I hope Bush isn't President again!"   And that was the last thing I said before losing my voice for 15 months.  My voice wasn't entirely gone, but it was strained and very difficult for others to hear.   I had lost the power to project my voice and clearly express myself so that I would be understood.  I was embodying what I believe many others were experiencing with the outcome of the election ~ powerlessness and a loss of our collective voice.

 

What I noticed over the next 15 months was other people's reaction to the loss of my voice.  This "symptom" caused a lot of concern.  I had some people (even many I didn't know) ask if I had a cold or was coming down with something.  Others recommended I get checked for what they thought might be cancer or other serious health issue.  While I appreciated people's concerns, I didn't want to take on their fear.  I practiced saying over and over again what I knew intuitively was true ~ that there was nothing wrong with me ~ and I was going to figure out how to get my voice back.

 

Then ~ just as suddenly as I had lost my voice ~ it returned.  I woke up one morning and said to the love of my life, "let's make a baby when you come home tonight".  The following morning I noticed my voice was clearer and stronger than it had been in over a year.  I realized  I had said what I didn't want to happen -- George Bush becoming President again --and lost my voice.  When, 15 months later I said what I did want to happen,  my voice returned.  Either way ~ I discovered ~ my voice is really powerful.  I thought it was about powerlessness and empowerment and it was, but not in the way that I thought.  I thought I lost my voice because I felt powerless over the outcome of a Presidential Election and while that was true,  it was not because of the election. Powerlessness came from voicing what I didn't want. Yet what was powerful over those 15 months was knowing there was nothing wrong with me and stating that over and over again until I voiced what I did want.

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Now, 12 years later, I'm still discovering how my body "symptoms" inform my work and my understanding of myself.  If I see my body and what appears to be a symptom as an ally that is helping me discover what wants to be seen, revealed and known then I can embrace it and learn from it instead of trying to make it go away.  This doesn't mean I should never go to a doctor if I feel pain, but it does mean that I can approach my body from a place of wonder.  I can invite her to show me how she wants to move, what she wants to say and trust that she has wisdom to share if I am willing to tune in and listen lovingly to her.

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I've spent a lot of my life thinking I was "too sensitive", yet to deny my High Sensitivity meant I was denying who I really am. Losing my voice was a profound opportunity for me to listen to myself and recognize that my sensitivity is a gift rather than a flaw.  I created Embodied Expression because I wanted to find a way, a practice, to embrace my High Sensitivity rather than deny it. I wanted to offer women, like myself, the opportunity to embrace who they are, to feel as deeply as they feel, to tune in to what is happening in their bodies and trust there is an inherent wisdom in what we refer to as "symptoms".  I wanted to shift my perception of myself from what is wrong with me to what is right about me and invite others to do the same. I wanted to know that I matter ~ that how I see, feel and experience the world ~ is unique to who I am and recognize that I have gifts to share with the world.  I wanted to know I am not alone ~ that there are others ~ kindred spirits ~ who like me ~ have been hiding who they are to fit in, be acceptable and not disturb others  yet are ready to come out and play and express and embody who we really are because ~ when it comes down to it ~ our lives depend on it!

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